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What it Means to be a REAL Patriot

by Ambertolina

After listening to as much right-wing talk-radio as I can stand and having endless arguments with hardcore Republicans in person and over the Internet, I have now established what it means to be a REAL American patriot. And boy, have I been totally wrong about what it means to be a good American! Just in case any of my fellow pinko-commie-bleeding-heart liberals have also been confused about what it means to be a REAL American patriot, let me clear things up for you.

Being a REAL patriot means that you get a job and you work your ass off until the day you die. You don’t ever, ever, EVER apply for unemployment or welfare, because that is PURE COMMUNISM. If you’re out of a job for awhile and you lose your house and have to live in your car, you can go wash up at the corner gas station, pull yourself up by your own goddamn bootstraps and start over. This is America, where opportunities are boundless. Doesn’t matter if you’re black, or a woman, or Hispanic or whatever. You just take whatever job you can find and accept whatever measly scraps they pay you, and you don’t complain, even if it’s not enough money to pay your bills or keep your kids. Affirmative Action? Please. That’s for socialists and pansies. Besides, racism and sexism don’t exist in America, so just shut the f*ck up about that stuff already. No one wants to hear it.

Medical insurance, and thus medical treatment, is a privilege, not a right. Big difference. If you don’t have insurance, then that means you are either too stupid or lazy to get the right job.  It does not matter if there are people dropping dead of illnesses in the street. Those people were either too stupid to get the right jobs that provide insurance, or they didn’t put money away in savings for medical expenses. Doesn’t matter if they are being paid minimum wage.  If they’d handle their finances correctly, they’d figure out how to put a little money away for a rainy day. It also does not matter if a few people go bankrupt because of high medical bills. Those weaklings shouldn’t have gotten sick in the first place. Cancer? Cancer is for lazy communists. Insurance being a privilege and not a right also means that if your kid catches TB from another kid in his class whose lazy-ass liberal parents couldn’t get a decent job with decent insurance that’s just too effing bad. You shouldn’t have your kid in public school, anyway. They should be homeschooled, so that they don’t have to learn that brainwashing, PC liberal compassion and Darwinism crap.

Speaking of minimum wage, that’s another pansy-ass thing America definitely does not need. Minimum wage is for communists and whiners. Vacations? Eff that. If your job isn’t giving you vacation, or “gives” you vacation but then doesn’t actually let you have the time off to take it, well that’s your problem. Change jobs if you don’t like it. And family leave for havin’ babies? Hell, if women would stay at home where they belong in the first place, they wouldn’t have to ask for leave, now would they? And dads? Dads never used to take off work when a baby was born. Why the hell do they need to now? That’s just a bunch of PC, touchy-feely bullshit.

Capitalism = Democracy. Being a REAL patriot means that you understand that American business is king. What they say, goes. If that means cutting salaries and benefits to raise profits, so be it. Doesn’t matter if CEOs of mega-corporations are making millions while the little people take home peanuts. The government doesn’t question how I budget my money and it shouldn’t stick its nose into corporate finances, either. Capitalism shows no mercy, and we shouldn’t try to artificially build mercy into it.

Remember: Occasionally, big American business may need a little bailout from Uncle Sam, just when times get tough. This is not socialism. This is just a little safety net to ensure the American way of life. Unless, of course, the president at the time of the bailouts is a democrat. REAL patriots know that commie-pinko democrat presidents who try to control private enterprise with taxpayer dollars are nothing better than treasonous pigs.

Being a REAL patriot means that you don’t question your president, unless he or she is a Democrat. Should the highly unlikely situation occur that a black or woman Democrat is elected, he or she was probably not even born in this country and is therefore ineligible for the presidency. Do everything you can to prove this, because a foreigner in the sacred office of the president is not only unconstitutional, but against God.

Being a REAL patriot means that when your president tells you to go to war, you go to war and you get your ass blown up if that’s what it takes, even if the VA doesn’t have the funds to take care of you very well, because it’s your DUTY as an AMERICAN and a PATRIOT. And if you don’t understand why the blessed United States of America is going to war, or the reasons the administration is giving you to go to war seem fishy or muddled, under no circumstance do you question your president, even if he or she is a Democrat. Serving in war is an automatic gold-plated ticket to heaven and proves your patriotism without a doubt. War is also good for business, and business is good for America.

Being a REAL American patriot means that you speak English, and nothing else. Choose two for Español? When they pry my American flag from my cold, dead patriotic hands.

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