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Anybody Else Seen Snooki’s Boobs?

by Jason Edwards

I have never watched Jersey Shore. Sorry if saying that makes me come across as some kind of snob or hipster wannabe. Like those people who don’t have a TV, and are eager to tell you so, anytime you bring up a program. (I was one of ‘em once. Ask me what I thought of West Wing and I’d say “Oh, I don’t own a television” instead of the right answer which would have been “Ah, have not seen it yet.”) I don’t elect to not watch Jersey Shore for any real reason—certainly not one of taste. I watch all kinds of tasteless garbage… ah crap, now I sound like a self-deprecating false modistyster. Damn.

I’m just saying, I’ve never seen Snooki in action, so I might be talking out my butt here. But I was on Google news, and it took me to MSNBC, or maybe Huffington Post and a link next to the article I was reading (something about Spain, maybe, or E3, or hot dogs) said that nude photos of Snooki had been leaked.

So I spent five minutes trying to find them. Then I went back to my article. Spain is in real trouble, y’all.

A LOT OF PEOPLE SEEM TO HATE SNOOKI and I don’t really get it. The chief complaint is that she’s “fat.” I had no idea so many people in the internet were so thin. Don’t know why being fat means one should be hated, though. And for what it’s worth, she shore weren’t fat in any of the nudies I found.

Also, she has sex all the time. And she drinks a lot, it seems. Is this something people don’t do anymore? Why is having sex bad? Why is drinking a lot bad? I mean, if you’re raping people, that is bad, and if you’re drinking so much it causes children to die, I agree, better stop it. But if your job is to be watched on TV… what else can you do, really? I am being serious. Pretty sure the only reason any of us have jobs is so we can afford a place to have sex and alcohol to drink afterwards. Pretty sure.

Many people kept saying that she thinks she’s better than everyone else. Okay, I can see why that would rub a person the wrong way. Why you’d get mad if you spent a half hour, once a week, to watch someone on television getting paid millions of dollars. You know, spending your time paying attention to someone who thinks she should be paid attention to. Like you did. In a serial fashion.

For the most part, and I really do mean “most,” the people who bothered articulating why they hate Snooki were, well, not very articulate. It’s not just a few typos and some questionable grammar choices. It was just the thoughtless rhetoric, defended in this manner:

Why do I think of her this way ? Well you see the answer is very simple that’s the way I think of her .

I know I shouldn’t judge, and I being a hypocrite when I do, but there was not a single comment that anyone made, good or bad, that changed my mind the tiniest bit about Snooki. I DID, however, reconfirm that world is (still) peopled by remarkable idiots, and they all have opinions. Everyone has a colon, too, don’t they? You could learn a lot from a colon.

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